Strengthening Relationships

       Mother's day is coming up and it is that time of year when we start reflecting on those women whom we look up to.Wellness is made up of seven different elements two of these elements are emotional wellness and social wellness. These two elements can refer to our feelings and relationships that we have with people. The mother-daughter relationship is an important aspect in a women's life. A mother is the one who helps us learn how to take care of ourselves as we reach womanhood, she gets us through our first breakup, and loves us continually no matter what we say or do. For some of us as we get older and leave the house our relationship with our mother begins to be weakened. As we see our mother less often we begin to lose that closeness we had before when we saw her on a more frequent basis. As we get older we begin to develop our own lifestyle, ideas, and individuality that may differ from our mothers. We may have gotten into a recent disagreement that has caused us to distant ourselves from her. Whatever the reason as to why we have weakened that bond, it is important that we strengthen it whenever possible. In honor of mother's day this week, we have focused on how to strengthen your relationship with your mother or the person who plays the motherly role in your life.  

Relationships

       One thing that we need to keep in mind is that a relationship consist of two people. "Sometimes we spend so much time focusing on ourselves-our shortcomings, problems, and needs-that we overlook the ways that our lives are are affected and enhanced by others". As we get older and become adults our relationship with our mother changes. We become adults and make our own decision but we are still seen as a child by our mother. We have to learn to start a new relationship with our mother in which we are both adults but we still have that mother-daughter feeling. Below are some tips that can help with starting that relationship and how to make it stronger.

1. Make the first move.

It is important that both people are putting forth the effort although one person may have to initiate it first in order for the relationship to begin.

2. Change yourself.

Many think that the only way to improve a relationship is for the other person to change their ways. Think of it as a dance, when one person changes their steps, the dance inevitably changes.

3. Have realistic expectations.

Both moms and daughters often have idealistic expectations about their relationship. It is important that we realize it will not be perfect and the other person will not always do what you expect.   

4. Communicate.

"Lack of communication is a common challenge with moms and daughters. Because moms and daughters aren't mind readers, be clear and calmly state how you’re feeling. Also, speak your mind in a very heartfelt but gentle manner". 

5. Be an active listener.

Active listening is when you reflect back what the other person has just said. This means that when the person is done talking you repeat in your own words what the person just said. By reflecting back what they just said you’re telling her that she’s being heard and that you understand. This can also help someone rephrase what they said if you are understanding them different than what they meant. 

6. Put yourself in her shoes.

Mothers try to see how your daughter feels and how you felt when you where her age. Daughters try to understand that your mother does have experience and has the best intentions for you. 

7. Learn to forgive.

Forgiveness is key to a relationship. Being able to ask for forgiveness and knowing when you have wronged the other person as well as being able to forgive is what will build trust and confidence between you two. 

8. Balance individuality and closeness.

Dr Roni Cohen-Sandler said, "It can be challenging for daughters to build their own identities. Sometimes daughters think that in order to become their own person, they must cut off from their moms. Or, quite the opposite, they’re so fused that they’re unable to make decisions without her input, she said. Both are clearly problematic".

But daughters can find their voices and identities within the relationship. So how can you strike a balance between staying connected and still being true to yourself? It is not easy but with time you will be able to find a perfect balance. 

9. Agree to disagree.

As adults we begin to develop our own views and ideas some which may go against what our mothers believe. It is important that it is accepted that agreement will always occur and to let each other have their own opinions. 

10. Stick to the present.

"Moms and daughters tend to have an old argument that runs like a broken record in the background. It becomes their default disagreement. Instead, avoid bringing up old gripes from the past, and try to focus on the present" -Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler

11. “Use ‘I’ statements, rather than being accusatory,”

Instead of saying you make me feel  you did this say I. By replacing "you" with "I" your conversation will be more productive and no one will feel like they need to become defensive.  

 References: 

http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1988-16704-001

http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-insights-on-improving-mother-daughter-relationships/0007635

Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D, psychologist and co-author of I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You! A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-insights-on-improving-mother-daughter-relationships/0007635

Texting Ergonomics: Reduce Wrist, Hand, and Thumb Pain

Is your main mode of communication with others done through texting? Then you may be risk for “texting thumb” or thumb arthritis. Thumb Arthritis is caused by constriction of the flexor tendon in the thumb. It often reveals itself as painful popping or snapping when the thumb bends or straightens; it may even become locked in the curled position. The most common cause of texting thumb is due to repetitive griping motions such as texting or holding a smart phone. Thumb arthritis is specific to the carpometacarpal joint where the thumb and wrist connect. Gripping, or forceful pinching motions are often the source of these symptoms and can become more severe with excessive use.

            The elbow can also suffer from increased tension in the tunnel through which the ulnar nerve passes. When in the elbow, this is referred to as Cubital tunnel syndrome. Spending too much time holding your phone to your ear, resting your elbow on a desk, or keeping your arm bent at an acute angle to use your mouse all contribute to cubital tunnel syndrome. Symptoms include numbness or tingling in the ring and small finger and soreness on the inside of the elbow or forearm.

Texting Ergonomics:

• Keep messages brief. The more keystrokes you do the more strain you’re causing on your hands and thumbs.
• Use word prediction or auto complete.
• Choose a device that has a full keyboard (you want reduce the number of times you tap a key to select a letter).
• Use shortcuts opposed to scrolling.
• Use a neutral grip when holding a device. This is best represented by a straight wrist that is not bent in either direction.
• Maintain an upright position while texting. Do not bend your head down or round your shoulders.
• Rest your thumb by alternating it with your index finger.

Specifics for touch screens:

• Use device in a vertical position while typing. This will reduce the amount of reaching space your thumb does to press a key.
• Use the pads of your fingers instead of the tips of your nails. Using your nails can create an awkward bent position for your thumb.

Severe cases treatments:

• Cortisone injections- eliminate pain and restore mobility.
• Thumb carpometacarpal arthroplasty- A surgical procedure to release the pulley at the base of the thumb will free the tendon to move more easily.
• Splints

Cubital tunnel syndrome prevention:

• Use a pad to rest your elbow on.
• Avoid pressure on the back of the elbow.
• Sleep in a splint the keeps your elbow from bending too much.
• Avoid position that keep your elbow flexed for extended periods of time.
• In severe cases a surgery can be performed to relieve the pressure off the nerve, improving symptoms, and preventing risk of permanent nerve damage to the hand.

 Sources:

http://www.miamivalleyhospital.org/uploadedFiles/mvh/Health_Information/v26i1_text.pdf

http://www.oseh.umich.edu/pdf/ergonomics/Texting%20and%20Smartphone%20Ergonomics.pdf

http://media.salon.com/2013/07/texting_square-460x412-e1375298184445.jpg

Love Yourself and Your Body

               February is the month of love, but you don’t have to be in a relationship to enjoy it. Take this time to learn to love yourself,  regardless of your relationship status. With the media bombarding women about their imperfections and what perfect really is, many of us struggle with loving ourselves as we are. Learning to love yourself involves setting goals. Some of these goals could be eating more vegetables, enjoying more fruits, or walking to campus instead of driving. These are all things we have the ability to control that make an impact on your health. Below is a list of ways in which we can love our bodies by Margo Main, a Ph.D. from the University of Santa Clara.

“20 Ways to Love Your Body” by Margo Maine, Ph.D.

Think of your body as the vehicle to your dreams. Honor it. Respect it. Fuel it.

1.         Your body is extraordinary--begin to respect and appreciate it.

2.         Create a list of all the things your body lets you do. Read it and add to it often.
3.         Become aware of what your body can do each day. Remember it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.
4.         Create a list of people you admire: people who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world. Consider whether their appearance was important to their success and accomplishments.
5.         Walk with your head held high, supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person.
6.         Don't let your weight or shape keep you from activities that you enjoy.
7.         Wear comfortable clothes that you like and that feel good to your body.
8.         Count your blessings, not your blemishes.
9.         Think about all the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently spend worrying about your body and appearance. Try one!
10.     Be your body's friend and supporter, not its enemy.
11.     Consider this: your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks, and your skeleton every three months.
12.     Every morning when you wake up, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.
13.     Every evening when you go to bed, tell your body how much you appreciate what it has allowed you to do throughout the day.
14.     Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly. Don't exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good.
15.     Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body. Tell yourself you can feel like that again, even in this body at this age.
16.     Keep a list of 10 positive things about yourself--without mentioning your appearance. Add to it!
17.     Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, "I'm beautiful inside and out."
18.     Choose to find the beauty in the world and in yourself.
19.     Start saying to yourself, "Life is too short to waste my time hating my body this way."
20. Eat when you are hungry. Rest when you are tired. Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty.

Sources:

http://www.scu.edu/wellness/topics/bodyimage/bodyimagelovebody.cfm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3agBWqGfRo

Postpartum Depression

Most of the time, the emotions experienced after childbirth include excitement, joy, fear and anxiety.  On some occasions, women will experience the “baby blues” which can insist of mood swings and crying spells.  On a rare occasion, this can be a more serious condition known as postpartum depression, a form of depression.  This will occur in 10-15% of all new mothers.

How do you know if you’re experiencing merely the baby blues or the more serious postpartum depression?  Here are differences in symptoms according to the Mayo Clinic.

Baby Blues: Mood swings, anxiety, sadness, irritability, crying, decreased concentration and trouble sleeping

Postpartum Depression: (symptoms may start out the same as the baby blues but then may increase) Loss of appetite, insomnia, intense irritability and anger, overwhelming fatigue, loss of interest in sexual intimacy, lack of joy in life, severe mood swings, feeling of shame, guilt or inadequacy, difficulty bonding with baby, withdrawl from friends and family, thoughts of harming self or baby

If left untreated, postpartum depression can last for months or even years.

Postpartum depression can be caused by physical, emotional, or lifestyle factors such as a drop in hormones, lack of sleep, exhaustion, or difficulty breastfeeding.

If your symptoms don’t fade after two weeks, get worse, make it hard for you to care for your baby, make it hard to complete everyday tasks or you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, then you should set up an appointment to speak with your provider and get help.

The Gospel Perspective

Managing Postpartum Depression: A Gospel Perspective

For Peace at Home- Richard G. Scott

Sources:

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2008). Prevalence of self-reported postpartum depressive symptoms --- 17 states, 2004--2005 (57(14);361-366). Retrieved from website: http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5714a1.htm

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2012, September 11). Postpartum depression. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/postpartum-depression/DS00546/DSECTION=symptoms

Pictures: http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/09/reviewing-over-my-history-with-my-mom.html

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Building relationships is a huge part of every young adult’s life. We are constantly interacting with family, roommates, friends, peers, bosses, professors, and other leaders. Not to mention, many of us are also married, dating, or seeking relationships. No matter what kind of relationship it is, it is important that these relationships are healthy, that they build us up and make us happy, rather than give us anxiety or sadness.

Here are ten tips/suggestions for healthy relationships:

1. Be yourself! It is important that you feel comfortable and confident in who you are. You shouldn’t feel like you need to act or be different around others.
2. Respect.  In a healthy relationship, there is respect for each other and each other’s values. This especially includes respect for moral standards.
3. Realistic expectations. Remember, no one is perfect! Everything will not be perfect at every moment. Although we should hope to have a positive influence on others, we can’t expect to change others. You need to respect them for who they are.
4. Communication is KEY. You both need to take time to talk. When you are having a conversation, be there physically and mentally. Listen with genuine concern and interest. Don’t plan your next statement before they have finished talking. Don’t interrupt. Ask questions to understand the other person's point of view. Share information with one another.
5. Be dependable and committed. If you make plans or a commitment to do something, be sure to follow through. You should be able to count on each other. Be trustworthy.
6. Fight fairly. 
• Find a good time to talk things through.
• Don’t criticize or blame.
• Use “I” statements to express your feelings.
• Let the other person speak for themselves – don’t put words in their mouths.
• Stay focused on the situation at hand; don’t bring up old issues.
• Admit mistakes and say “sorry.” 
• Don’t hold grudges. Forgive freely.
• Seek a solution together.
7. Be honest. Be honest with your feelings and in all your communications.
8. Show warmth and care. Show that you really care. Be kind, genuine, and approachable. Serve each other and help when you can. Give sincere compliments and show appreciation. 
9. Keep life balanced and take care of yourself. Relationships are important, but make sure to evenly balance them with school, work, and your personal needs. Take time for yourself and listen to your needs.  
10. Remember that it’s a process. Relationships take time to establish and strengthen. Learning to build relationships takes practice too. Reach out and do your best.

Additionally, here are some characteristics of unhealthy relationships:

• Controlling or manipulative
• Hostility
• Dishonesty
• Disrespect
• Dependence
• Intimidation
• Criticism
• Feels like a burden
• Violence
• Lack of equality
• Forced sexuality
• Neglect of self or other person
• Lack of communication

If you are in an unhealthy relationship, don’t be afraid to end it. If you need help, ask!

Now is the time to make friends, date, and learn to work with others. Practice these suggestions for healthy relationships that will not only build you as a person, but last in the years to come.

Sources:
Allen, Nikole. "Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships." UW Medicine. University of Washington, n.d. Web. 01 July 2013. <http://depts.washington.edu/hhpccweb/content/clinics/family-health/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships>.

"Characteristics of Healthy & Unhealthy Relationships | Find Youth Info." Teen Dating Violence. FindYouthInfo.gov, n.d. Web. 01 July 2013. <http://findyouthinfo.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics>.

"Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships." Domestic Violence Resource Center. Domestic Violence Resource Center, n.d. Web. 01 July 2013. <http://dvrc-or.org/domestic/violence/resources/C67/>.

Words to Inspire

This Sunday, Mother’s Day, we honor all women across the world for their influence and impact in the home and community. Whether you are a mom with little kids, an empty nester, a single adult, proud grandma, or faithful school, piano, or church teacher, you make a positive contribution and have an important role.  

 "The Women in Our Lives" - Mormon Message

 
“Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time! . . . My dear Relief Society sisters, you are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine.”

• President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“Forget Me Not” Ensign November 2011)

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this.”

• Elder Neal A. Maxwell (“The Women of God” General Conference April 1978)

“Recent horrifying events in the United States have underscored the fact that we live in a world of uncertainty. Never has there been a greater need for righteous mothers—mothers who bless their children with a sense of safety, security, and confidence about the future, mothers who teach their children where to find peace and truth and that the power of Jesus Christ is always stronger than the power of the adversary. Every time we build the faith or reinforce the nobility of a young woman or man, every time we love or lead anyone even one small step along the path, we are true to our endowment and calling as mothers and in the process we build the kingdom of God. No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important or would ever say, “I am just a mother,” for mothers heal the souls of men.

Look around. Who needs you and your influence? If we really want to make a difference, it will happen as we mother those we have borne and those we are willing to bear with. If we will stay right with our youth—meaning, if we will love them—in most cases they will stay right with us—meaning, they will let us lead them.
As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord’s secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the premortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn’t stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won’t tell you that, but the Spirit will.

We just can’t let the Lord down. And if the day comes when we are the only women on earth who find nobility and divinity in motherhood, so be it. For mother is the word that will define a righteous woman made perfect in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, a woman who has qualified for eternal increase in posterity, wisdom, joy, and influence.”

• Sister Sherri Dew (“Are We Not All Mothers” General Conference October 2001)

“Woman is God’s supreme creation. Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.

“Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth.”

• President Gordon B. Hinckley (“Our Responsibility to Our Young Women,” Ensign, Sept. 1988, 11.)

“Our destiny is greater than we can imagine. If only we understood who we are and what is in store for us, our hearts would overflow with such gratitude and happiness that it would enlighten even the darkest sorrows with the light and love of God, our Heavenly Father. The next time you feel unhappy, remember where you came from and where you are going. Rather than focus on things that dampen your thoughts with sorrow, choose to focus on those things that fill your soul with hope. You will realize that these things are always connected to serving God and our fellowmen. Remember that the Lord has given you His word in the scriptures. Pray earnestly to Him; talk with Him daily. Learn of Him, and walk in His way. Serve God and serve your fellowmen.”

• President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“The Reflection in the Water” CES Fireside November 2009)

LDS Sources to Help and Comfort Women Impacted by Pornography

 Jill C. Manning, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist stated, “The following three concepts, among many others, have been helpful for women to incorporate into their healing and decision-making process:”

1. Clarify the Motivation. “In many cases, pornography use is more about seeking an escape or mood-altering effect than it is about sex itself. Although pornography use often starts out as a youthful curiosity about sex, in most cases it develops into a way of escaping certain emotions and stressors. Looking at pornography can even be used to self-medicate depression and anxiety and to self-soothe loneliness or poor self-esteem. Understanding this can help cut through the faulty belief that being more sexual with a pornography user will reduce consumption, or that if someone is using pornography, his or her spouse must not be sexually available or attractive. In addition, understanding the non-sexual motivations behind pornography use can help a woman understand that her partner would have likely turned to pornography regardless of whom he married and that his pornography use is not a commentary on her attractiveness (even though it feels like an attack). Erroneous assumptions about the motivations around pornography use not only promote misplaced blame and shame, but also detract from holding the consumer responsible for choosing to deal with life's problems in maladaptive and harmful ways.”

2. Beware of Comparing Reality to Fantasy. “Many women will tell me they feel insecure and intimidated when they compare themselves to the pornography stars their husband lusts after. There are two issues here: (1) the destabilizing hurt caused by a husband's infidelity and (2) the dynamic of comparing oneself to someone who has prostituted herself in a pornographic scene. Let's look at the second part of this assumption. Many women believe they don't measure up to what their husband is neurotically and narcissistically seeking out because they think the porn stars represent a sexual ideal. This is one of the biggest lies pornography invites women to believe. Most pornography stars have histories of sexual abuse, drug use or addiction, mental health problems, failed relationships, cosmetic surgery, and/or sexually transmitted diseases. In short, the only thing that is modeled in pornography is sexual brokenness and spiritual disconnection. Men who recover from a pornography habit also come to this realization and ironically begin to “see” the beauty of their spouse as what they desire and need.”

3. Ignore Comments That Invalidate the Seriousness of This Problem, and Seek Out People Who Understand the Issue. “When a woman takes the risk to share this marital problem with a trusted friend or family member, it is not uncommon for her to encounter statements such as, ‘Boys will be boys,’ ‘All guys are into porn,’ or ‘At least he isn't cheating on you.’ Comments such as these not only demoralize and invalidate, but they also reflect a lack of understanding about the addictive potential this habit has and the impact pornography use has on relationships. Pornography use represents a serious breach of the marital bond and pulls sexual energy away from an intimate relationship. It is important to ignore comments that dismiss or invalidate the seriousness of this issue and to actively seek out the opinions and support of individuals who understand this issue well. As a woman sifts through the constraining and erroneous beliefs that compound the pain associated with a spouse's pornography use, she is better able to make healthy decisions and take steps that will facilitate healing. Although it is troubling to consider that an increasing number of women are facing this issue in their marriage, it is reassuring to know there are also a growing number of resources to support women and families dealing with this issue. With our continued support, the Lighted Candle Society will not only be able to help women get the support they need, but also be able to continue its unique fight against the pornography industry at large.”

For further information and resources regarding the impact of pornography: click here

Recognizing Abuse

“Satan uses your abuse to undermine your self-confidence, destroy trust in authority, create fear, and generate feelings of despair. Abuse can damage your ability to form healthy human relationships. You must have faith that all of these negative consequences can be resolved; otherwise they will keep you from full recovery. While these outcomes have powerful influence in your life, they do not define the real you.” -Richard G. Scott (April 2008 General Conference)

Signs of Abuse

• Monitors what you're doing all the time
• Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful constantly
• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family
• Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school
• Gets very angry during and after drinking alcohol or using drugs
• Controls how you spend your money
• Controls your use of needed medicines
• Decides things for you that you should be allowed to decide (like what to wear or eat)
• Humiliates you in front of others
• Destroys your property or things that you care about
• Threatens to hurt you, the children, or pets
• Hurts you (by hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting)
• Uses (or threatens to use) a weapon against you
• Forces you to have sex against your will
• Controls your birth control or insists that you get pregnant
• Blames you for his or her violent outbursts
• Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you
• Says things like, "If I can't have you then no one can."

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

Signs of an unhealthy relationship include:

• Focusing all your energy on your partner
• Dropping friends and family or activities you enjoy
• Feeling pressured or controlled a lot
• Having more bad times in the relationship than good
• Feeling sad or scared when with your partner

Signs of a healthy relationship include:

• Having more good times in the relationship than bad
• Having a life outside the relationship, with your own friends and activities
• Making decisions together, with each partner compromising at times
• Dealing with conflicts by talking honestly
• Feeling comfortable and able to be yourself
• Feeling able to take care of yourself
• Feeling like your partner supports you

 *Sometimes a relationship might not be abusive, but it might have some serious problems that make it unhealthy. If you think you might be in an unhealthy relationship, you should be able to talk to your partner about your concerns. If you feel like you can't talk to your partner, try talking to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor. Consider calling your bishop or a stake president to get the support you need and to explore next steps.

“If you are currently being abused or have been in the past, find the courage to seek help. You may have been severely threatened or caused to fear so that you would not reveal the abuse. Have the courage to act now. Seek the support of someone you can trust. Your bishop or stake president can give you valuable counsel and help you with the civil authorities. Explain how you have been abused and identify who has done it. Ask for protection. Your action may help others avoid becoming innocent victims, with the consequent suffering. Get help now. Do not fear—for fear is a tool Satan will use to keep you suffering. The Lord will help you, but you must reach out for that help.”-Richard G. Scott (April 2008 General Conference)