Strengthening Relationships

       Mother's day is coming up and it is that time of year when we start reflecting on those women whom we look up to.Wellness is made up of seven different elements two of these elements are emotional wellness and social wellness. These two elements can refer to our feelings and relationships that we have with people. The mother-daughter relationship is an important aspect in a women's life. A mother is the one who helps us learn how to take care of ourselves as we reach womanhood, she gets us through our first breakup, and loves us continually no matter what we say or do. For some of us as we get older and leave the house our relationship with our mother begins to be weakened. As we see our mother less often we begin to lose that closeness we had before when we saw her on a more frequent basis. As we get older we begin to develop our own lifestyle, ideas, and individuality that may differ from our mothers. We may have gotten into a recent disagreement that has caused us to distant ourselves from her. Whatever the reason as to why we have weakened that bond, it is important that we strengthen it whenever possible. In honor of mother's day this week, we have focused on how to strengthen your relationship with your mother or the person who plays the motherly role in your life.  

Relationships

       One thing that we need to keep in mind is that a relationship consist of two people. "Sometimes we spend so much time focusing on ourselves-our shortcomings, problems, and needs-that we overlook the ways that our lives are are affected and enhanced by others". As we get older and become adults our relationship with our mother changes. We become adults and make our own decision but we are still seen as a child by our mother. We have to learn to start a new relationship with our mother in which we are both adults but we still have that mother-daughter feeling. Below are some tips that can help with starting that relationship and how to make it stronger.

1. Make the first move.

It is important that both people are putting forth the effort although one person may have to initiate it first in order for the relationship to begin.

2. Change yourself.

Many think that the only way to improve a relationship is for the other person to change their ways. Think of it as a dance, when one person changes their steps, the dance inevitably changes.

3. Have realistic expectations.

Both moms and daughters often have idealistic expectations about their relationship. It is important that we realize it will not be perfect and the other person will not always do what you expect.   

4. Communicate.

"Lack of communication is a common challenge with moms and daughters. Because moms and daughters aren't mind readers, be clear and calmly state how you’re feeling. Also, speak your mind in a very heartfelt but gentle manner". 

5. Be an active listener.

Active listening is when you reflect back what the other person has just said. This means that when the person is done talking you repeat in your own words what the person just said. By reflecting back what they just said you’re telling her that she’s being heard and that you understand. This can also help someone rephrase what they said if you are understanding them different than what they meant. 

6. Put yourself in her shoes.

Mothers try to see how your daughter feels and how you felt when you where her age. Daughters try to understand that your mother does have experience and has the best intentions for you. 

7. Learn to forgive.

Forgiveness is key to a relationship. Being able to ask for forgiveness and knowing when you have wronged the other person as well as being able to forgive is what will build trust and confidence between you two. 

8. Balance individuality and closeness.

Dr Roni Cohen-Sandler said, "It can be challenging for daughters to build their own identities. Sometimes daughters think that in order to become their own person, they must cut off from their moms. Or, quite the opposite, they’re so fused that they’re unable to make decisions without her input, she said. Both are clearly problematic".

But daughters can find their voices and identities within the relationship. So how can you strike a balance between staying connected and still being true to yourself? It is not easy but with time you will be able to find a perfect balance. 

9. Agree to disagree.

As adults we begin to develop our own views and ideas some which may go against what our mothers believe. It is important that it is accepted that agreement will always occur and to let each other have their own opinions. 

10. Stick to the present.

"Moms and daughters tend to have an old argument that runs like a broken record in the background. It becomes their default disagreement. Instead, avoid bringing up old gripes from the past, and try to focus on the present" -Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler

11. “Use ‘I’ statements, rather than being accusatory,”

Instead of saying you make me feel  you did this say I. By replacing "you" with "I" your conversation will be more productive and no one will feel like they need to become defensive.  

 References: 

http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1988-16704-001

http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-insights-on-improving-mother-daughter-relationships/0007635

Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D, psychologist and co-author of I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You! A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-insights-on-improving-mother-daughter-relationships/0007635